The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize