Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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