captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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