whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
