I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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