The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
