dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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