For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
