I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize