I think I died a long time ago.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
