I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
