apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
