Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You need a sexual gate keeper
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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