now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
