I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
