I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
