My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
