i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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