If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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