my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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