the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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