note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
