i wish my penis had a tongue
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
