We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
