i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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