I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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