so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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