I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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