I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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