Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
