so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
