one word: firstdatebathroomanal
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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