I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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