I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
