if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
