I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
