why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
