she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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