I want to make a zoo with you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
did you just send me my own nude
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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