Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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