it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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