Where is the hickey?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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