i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
