dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
