did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My pussy is not your playground.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
