you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
