I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
