soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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