my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
