I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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