So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Your dad touched me again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
