I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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