I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
