party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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