every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
