Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize