I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
