NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
